How to Say “No”, Respectfully

Learning how to set boundaries may be one of the most important lessons you learn in life. As you grow up, you begin setting boundaries with your family members and learn how to say no to your peers. As an employer or private service professional, the experience of knowing how to set boundaries becomes extremely useful if not imperative to success. 

As a nanny or household manager, you already know the importance of good communication with the family. From advocating for yourself to respecting your employer’s boundaries, it is paramount all household employees reflect on their own behavior in order to maintain a positive professional reputation. 

While there are many benefits to pursuing a career as a private service professional, such as a love of children and servicing families, the downside is a lack of an HR department. Without an HR department by your side, it is easy to get accidentally carried away into people-pleasing behavior. After all, saying “yes” to impromptu trips with the children or late-night hours for the family may not seem worrisome, but without boundaries, where do you draw the line? 

Saying “No” Helps Set Boundaries for Both the Family and Household Staff

All caretakers experience burnout, and nannies and household employers are no exception. If you find yourself working long hours, late nights, weekends, or taking on more than you expected, burnout is inevitable, regardless of how much passion you have for helping families.  

Moreover, many families adhere to the motto “we want our nanny to feel like part of the family”, which is a great sentiment in theory, however, this carries with it the risk of being taken advantage of, especially in an industry without an HR department. 

Communication between household staff and household employers is key to avoiding burnout and keeping both parties aligned to the same goals. The optimal times to discuss boundaries with your employer is during the interview process and during performance reviews. Naturally, boundaries can be discussed anytime should the need arise. One important takeaway for both domestic staff and household employers is that the majority of problems can be avoided or fixed by opening up a line of positive communication early on in the relationship. Doing so will make it easier to address and resolve a problem that may arise. 

When to Set Boundaries

Knowing your limits as a household employee helps to keep clear boundaries. Sometimes, the family will ask you to do things unrelated to your position. They may ask you to do something from what we like to call the “should do, would do, could do” list. This list refers to three categories of household staff responsibilities. For example, if you are a nanny, there are things that any nanny should do, the things a nanny would likely be able to do, and the things some nannies could do, which depends on ability, comfort, and pay. 

If the family asks you to do one of the things from the would-do or could-do list or wasn’t something initially agreed upon in the contract, you can absolutely say no. This may include staying late, taking on extra days, or coming early. However, if you feel like you can be flexible with your household employer, it is likely your employer will be flexible with you in the future. Only you can decide your boundaries as a household employee. A good rule of thumb is not to take on more than you can handle, because if you start dropping the ball, you might be dropped.

During the Interview Process:

Choosing the right Household Employer is important to getting your house manager or nanny career off on the right foot. When a “green flag” is identified by a candidate, confidence is felt moving forward in the interview process with that employer. One green flag you should encounter is seeing job duties clearly outlined in a job description. This shows that the family knows what tasks they want their private service professional to do while providing clear expectations to the candidate. Additionally, this green flag identifies the probability that the Household Staffing Agency has worked with the family already, giving you extra piece of mind as you move forward in the interview process.

Now that you have learned about some of the employer’s boundaries, during the job interview you will have a chance to make your own boundaries clear. It is important to keep in mind the professional boundaries that come along with defining your role, especially if you have been taken advantage of in the past. Unfortunately, bringing this up in an interview can be a red flag to the family. The family could think that you are inflexible and might wonder if you are able to accommodate their family in later years as their needs change. During your job interview, avoid saying things like: “I don’t do dishes, I don’t do laundry, I don’t vacuum, I refuse to wipe crumbs off of counters”. Instead, it might be helpful to ask a question like: “what is a typical day like in this role?” or “what are the typical days and hours for this position?

As an Employer, giving your candidate a thorough and well-thought-out list of job duties in the job description takes away any uncertainties that may arise in the future regarding the position and role in the family. The initial interview is also an optimal time to ask your future household employee any pertinent questions or elaborate on your expectations that may be unclear in the job description. 

During Performance Reviews:

Whether you call the meeting with your employer, or you have a quarterly check-in or a yearly performance review, these meetings can be a great chance to address any concerns related to “job creep” (which we will discuss momentarily) or what is expected of you. While you are renegotiating your yearly contract or discussing raises/ bonuses, this is also a great time to discuss any “non-contacted extras” that you have performed outside of your job description.

As for the family, this is a great time to remind your nanny or domestic staff of any boundaries that aren’t being kept, creating clear expectations and pathways to improvement.

What Is Job Creep?

Everyone experiences “job creep” at some point in their career, whether as an employer or employee. One common concern for household employees is this notorious job creep, which can lead to employees being taken advantage of. Job creep is one reason why a candidate seeks new employment opportunities. This usually happens when we take on work outside of our designated responsibilities. Common signs of job creep include a productivity dip, low morale, confusion about your role, confusion about priorities, and feelings of underappreciation.

Outside of the apathy, one feels when job creep hits, the main problem with job creep is it takes time away from our key purpose. Job creep is never planned and always unstrategic. While it is nice to be of service to the family when they need additional help or be extra flexible with your household employee, without proper planning and expectations, job creep becomes burdensome, causing the relationship to collapse under the pressure of superfluous responsibilities

What Boundaries Do I Need to Respect as a Nanny?

To be a successful nanny, know and exceed their expectations! Be flexible where you can, but remember to know and work within your limits. Most importantly, remember your place. You may be your boss, but you’re not the boss. This goes for the household employer as well- it is equally as important to be open and honest with your household employee regarding boundaries, whether it is having a nanny cam or identifying who is in charge when everyone is home. This ensures your domestic staff can trust you while remaining motivated to do their best in service to your family.

You’ve got enough on your plate in your day-to-day life — let us make your life easier by handling your unique household staffing needs.

If you are a family looking to hire a household employee or other home service, submit an application with My Household Managed.

If you are a professional nanny, house manager, or other household employee looking for a job, apply at My Household Managed.

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